Today's May blog post is about things that you are afraid of. There are many many things out there that I am afraid of, but there are also things that I am so afraid of that these things consume me some days.
1. Becoming a military widow: This happening to me terrifies me more than anything in this world. I think as a military spouse this is always on your mind no matter what branch they are in or what job they are in. Jarrett just came back from a four month deployment in Japan and I was completely out of my mind with worry when I saw that we could be going to war with North Korea. My husband had to deal with a lot of Korea stuff while he was there. When a wife's husband is deployed, she is literally on the edge of her seat the whole time. She is wondering what her husband is doing and praying that he is safe. She is hoping to never see two officers pull up in front of her house and knock on her door. The worry never goes away until her husband is home. My worry is gone for now thank God!
2. The death of a family member or best friend: My family and friends are the most important thing to me always and the thought of losing either of them makes me consumed with fear. The closest family members that I have ever lost were both of my grandparents and that was hard enough to go through. I have never been through losing a parent, brother or best friend, and I know so many people that have.
Next to my husband the next closest person to me is my mother. She is my best friend and my rock through everything! I know I will eventually lose her and my father some day, but I just have no clue how to deal with that fact. I am a lover of God and I know my family members will be in a beautiful place with God someday, but just thinking about living this life without all the people that make up my life horrifies me!
3. Being told I cannot have children and never becoming a mother: From the time I was a little girl until now, I always knew I wanted to be a mother and a mother to as many kids as God would allow me. It is one of my biggest dreams. This longing to become a mother has come full force ever since I got married. I have been on birth control pills ever since I turned sixteen so I've been on them for ten years now. My husband and I would like for me to go off of my pills on our fifth anniversary which is next December and try to start our family. My biggest fear is that nothing at all will happen when I go off the pills. My mom had no trouble at all having kids so I hope that I am the same way. I know women that have no trouble getting pregnant at all; it just comes easy for them. I also know women that have had a terrible time trying and still after so many years of trying cannot conceive.
We want at the most three to four children, but I worry that because we are starting a little later than most couples that that won't happen either! Right now, I am just learning to put our future family in God's hands. I am praying that it is God's will for us to have children and I am learning to just put it to rest and let him do his job. I might be pleasantly surprised if I just stop worrying about it so much!